I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wish you could order shots online.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
