I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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