this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize
