Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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