There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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