You're earring is so big in my mouth
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
