im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
