The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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