By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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