Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
