I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
