The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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