If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
