Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
