Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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