Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
