I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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