I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
