I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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