i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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