Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
