Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
