I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
