i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
what day is it and did you see me today?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
