do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It's blow job season.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
