Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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