You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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