I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
