she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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