did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
