Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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