I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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