yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
