@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
