I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
