Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize