You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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