What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
