I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
