just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
