Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
