you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
