I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize