its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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