Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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