Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
