i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I touched a dick in church today
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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