i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
