Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
