Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
