Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
