I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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