I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I want to be your penis for a week.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
