I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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