I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize