The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
