I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
is this the sara with the beer cane?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I am one with the molecules
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
