Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
