oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
