peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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